Monday, September 21, 2009

In which I don't give a shit about the ACORN scandal

So, an undercover camera crew caught a couple of non-profit employees giving advice to the world's most stereotypical pimp and prostitute. Color me unimpressed. Or, if you're British, colour me unimpressed. So you can find a couple employees to give ridiculous advice to two morons. Whoop de-doo. I don't like to bring my work onto the internets, but if you were to call my office with a ridiculous story, you'd have about a 15% chance of me giving a hypothetical statement of how to move forward to get unemployment. And, if you edited out the parts of my statement where I listed all the problems with said ridiculous claim, you'd have me giving advice on how to skirt the law to people similar to the Acorn pimps. The nerve of people to go after an incredibly minor transgression on the part of low-level people at an organization who try and help those on the bottom rung simply infuriates me.

Anyway, with any luck, this will be the only thing I write that doesn't mention Jurassic Park, tacos, or my intense desire to own a flame thrower.

Friday, September 11, 2009

You, uh, stabbed her and then, um, you uh, killed her.

So, who should I find on Law & Order: CI but detective Ian Malcolm? That's right, America's favorite chaostician is now using his consideable mental prowess to solve crime in New York City. Yes, the twisted mind of a serial killer is no match for a man who has survived an island where dinosaurs have been returned to life in a, um, terrible subversion of the natural law. Detective Ian Malcolm becomes the latest renowned crimesolver in the Law & Order franchise, joining such luminaries as Sgt. Lenny "innappropriate wise-crack" Brisoe, Detective Mike"Oh my God it's Carrie's boyfriend! yes I know Annie" Logan, Elliot "Chin" Stabler, Apparently not a cop killer Ice-T, and whatever the name of that guy Vincent D'Onofrio plays. The one who solves crimes through the use of contrived plot points. The one who's the most irritating detective in the history of fiction; jeez, this is driving me nuts, what's his name? Anyway, the point I wanted to make was that Jeff Goldblum needs money. Apparently, very badly.

Possible Detective Ian Malcolm interrogation:
Det. Nichols - So, uh, what happened.
suspect - I didn't do nuthin.
Det. Nichols - The, um, arrogance, you're displaying here is just unbelievable, I mean, uh, who are, um, you to play God and decide who lives or dies?
suspect - Uhhhh?
Det. Nichols - I looked at each drop of blood at the crime scene, and uh, I got to tell you, there was no predicting where the next one would go. I mean, you stabbed her. And you stabbed her, and uh, that's chaos.
suspect - listen man I...
Det. Nichols -You're afraid to dive into the plasma pool aren't you? You're afraid to be destroyed and re-created, aren't you? I'll bet you think that you woke me up about the flesh, don't you? But you only know society's straight line about the flesh! You can't penetrate beyond society's sick, grey fear of the flesh! Drink deep or taste not the plasma spring, see what I'm saying? Now, I'm not just talking about sex and penetration, I'm talking about penetration beyond the veil of the flesh! A deep, penetrating dive into the plasma pool!
suspect - Sweet Jesus, I did it! I did it. Just get the fuck away from me.
Det. Nichols - This uh, just um, shows that crime, doesn't pay.