tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21953897647772483852024-03-13T19:16:38.706-07:00Hardcore BanalAnonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13603304553367090790noreply@blogger.comBlogger25125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2195389764777248385.post-38866413728215362282011-09-28T22:28:00.000-07:002011-09-28T22:50:33.296-07:00A Poor Craftsman Blames His Tools<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
Apologies to my regular readers (Hi Mom and Dad!), but this post will be photo and cat heavy.</div>
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As part of her continuing education program, my cat has recently learned how to open cabinets in the kitchen. As fun as it is to hear scratching and doors slamming at all hours of the day, and as much as I love the, "which door will the cat jump out of?" game, I do have some concerns.<br />
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These concerns are twofold: Neko does not reseal the corn chips, causing precious tostitos to become stale when I most need a snack. And two, the cat can not read.<br />
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Hard to believe, but the cat is completely unable to read the safety warnings denoting various poisons underneath the sink. Perhaps if the manufacturers of bleach had thought to include tiny pictures of vomiting cats I wouldn't need to worry, but until Clorox considers all potential consumers of their product, Professor Meowmers must be prevented from gaining access to the houses cleaning supplies, old grocery bags, sponges, and assorted dirty dishes that Annie and I try to hide from guests.<br />
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To this end, I purchased child safe door latches. Presumably, babies are not any more intelligent than house cats and must be prevented from trapping their tails underneath falling pots and pans. I picked these latches up at the local hardware store after gazing longingly at the axes and muttering under my breath until asked if I could be helped. They were the only door latches at the Maple Leaf Tru-Value, so I presume that they are the top of the line in child safety.</div>
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Hmm, or maybe not. Well, it's not like you have to touch these every time you use them... Anyway, I'll just hope that it's only one chemical in the latches that causes cancer, birth defects, and other reproductive harm, and that the side effects will be laser eyes for any future offspring of mine. Otherwise, if my unborn children or I get cancer, I'm coming for you S-4463 Child Safe Door and Cabinet Latch. Ok, with those safety concerns out of the way, it's time to install the door latches. This shouldn't be too hard, with the proper tools.<br />
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Not pictured is the bottle opener I needed to get started. After carefully measuring out the distance for the mounting piece, pre-drilling the holes, swearing as I drilled through the side of the cabinet, more carefully pre-drilling the holes, screwing in the bracket backwards, struggling to find reverse on the drill, screwing in the bracket forwards, and attempting for over an hour to get the latch piece to line up, my work was done. Yep, it's just that easy. I also hit upon an alternate solution about 65 minutes in that fits more with the overall aesthetic look of Annie and my apartment.<br />
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<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13603304553367090790noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2195389764777248385.post-88480231369381974962011-09-16T23:05:00.000-07:002011-09-16T23:05:46.399-07:00While I'm Thinking About It...Why has this franchise not been rebooted?<br />
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Are they waiting until they can clone dinosaurs so it looks even more awesome? That must be it. There is no other explanation for neglecting dinosaurs being turned into tanks.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13603304553367090790noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2195389764777248385.post-76086742644159895372011-09-16T22:46:00.000-07:002011-09-28T09:27:07.821-07:00Life Imitating Leisure<div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">More Like Bored Games</span></div>
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Film studios seem to be adopting an awful lot of board games into movies these days. Maybe the intellectual property rights to the Dark Tower series are too difficult to acquire. Perhaps the supply of comic books has been finally exhausted. The average theme park ride can only sustain fifteen feature films. And I suppose there's a finite number of Fast and Furious action movies you can crank out over a decade without affecting quality, because that's the only way I can imagine someone daring to pitch a film based on a board game.</div>
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I'll concede that basing a motion picture on a board game is not the worst idea in the history of cinema (hello, <i>Triumph of the Will II: Electric Boogaloo</i>). <i>Clue</i> managed to gain a cult following. It's probably more tolerable than the game it's based on. And it's a little known fact that <i>Citizen Kane</i> was based on Monopoly. But some of the previews I've seen lately have led me to question the sanity of the average green-lighter.<br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">BATTLESHIP!</span></div>
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Yes. Battleship. The board game, Battleship. The one where you place tiny plastic ships already riddled with holes on a grid to try to stick them with shells the size of Saturn V rockets. Well, it's going to be a major motion picture in 2012. Starring Liam Neeson. The trailer leads me to believe that aliens invade earth during a naval exercise in an alternate future where the world's battleships have not been mothballed. And it appears that there's no radar, so the aliens and Liam Neeson don't know where they are, and have to randomly fire shells and wait for the other side to announce if they've been hit. I can't wait for the scene where humanity cannily hides its patrol boat next to its cruiser, so that the Aliens move on to shelling J12 and F8, never imaging that Admiral Liam Neeson had the balls to put a group of ships so close together. This movie will be so full of action that it will have to come with a warning from the Surgeon General that your knuckles may explode from the tension of gripping your arm rest as you discover that the aliens looked at America's fleet deployment when America went to the bathroom. I can't wait.<br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">Two Machines Enter, One Machine Leaves</span></div>
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Let me be clear: it is hard to have a bad movie where robots fight other robots. If Sex and the City III has a five minute clip in the middle where two robots start wailing on each other in a Roman gladiator arena, I will see that movie. I would pay fifty bucks to watch Honda's ASIMO suplex IBM's Deep Blue through a Ms. Pacman table. Wait, no, I would pay several hundred dollars to see that. So it wasn't entirely distressing to see the trailer for <i>Real Steel</i>, a movie starring Hugh Jackman that looks to be based on Rock 'Em Sock 'Em robots. I guess in the future, robot boxing has left real boxers with few opportunities to suffer long term brain damage. So one guy disguises himself as a robot, probably by building some kind of mech suit during a montage. Or they build a scrappy robot that can take on the rich boys robot during a montage. And, if they're true to the game, the protagonist and his mechanical opponent will have a dramatic title bout where they flail wildly for forty seconds until one of their heads pops back without having suffered any discernible blow. Then both of them are sold at a garage sale years later where people try to remember why they thought they seemed fun. I guess that could be ok. I hope Michael Bay isn't attached though. That man knows how to ruin robots fighting.<br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"> Candy Regicide: Life On The Streets</span></div>
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Good heavens! The kindly King Kandy (Sean Connery) has been kidnapped by the evil Lord Licorice (Gary Oldman). It's up to a ragtag group of kids to traverse a treacherous path to free him and restore order to Candy Land. As they travel along through the peppermint forest, they run into the overly stimulated Mr. Mint (Jim Carey), who teaches them to channel the power of the double red card. They skip on ahead on the rainbow road to the peanut brittle hut of Gramma Nut (Betty White). After suffering excruciating cut gums, they move on and reach the haunting beauty of the realm of Queen Frostine (Cate Blanchett). She sees them to the edge of the molasses morass of Gloppy (Seth Rogen), a friendly monster who imparts several messages about the importance of family. Finally, the children and their companions are able to see the gates of Candy Land. As they steel themselves to cast down the bonbon usurper they, wait, what? The Plumpy the Plumpa card!?! God dammit. All the way back to the beginning. God dammit. What the hell is a plumpa? I hate this movie.</div>
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And here's my best guess at the future of board game based films:<br />
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<b>-<i>Settlers of Catan</i> - </b>Hardy frontiersmen seek to carve a sheep empire out of the rough, odly hexagonal island of Catan. Kurt Russell stars as The Robber.<br />
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<b>-<i>Jenga</i> - </b>A documentary on the collapse of Dubai's Wooden Financial Enterprise Center.<br />
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<b><i>-Hi Ho! Cherry O</i> -</b> Obviously, this will be a porno.</div>
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<b>-<i>Hungry Hungry Hippos</i> -</b> This project was cancelled in the planning phases when Marlon Brando died. Advances in digital imaging will allow him to join Orson Welles, Chris Farley, and Eddie Murphy in a comedy about the world of competitive marble eating.</div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13603304553367090790noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2195389764777248385.post-90620757671103767872011-09-15T18:33:00.000-07:002011-09-15T18:33:03.302-07:00Sharing is caring; caring is the first step to oppressive socialism<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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You know when you're watching a movie with someone and enjoying a delicious bucket of popcorn, and you both reach for a handful together and your hands meet together in the tub for a tender and buttery embrace? Me neither. Any time you are sharing food, you should be engaged in a zero-sum game of resource and heartburn maximization. If someone else manages to get their hand into the bucket, they'd best emerge with it a bloody stump as you triumphantly scream for more butter. To do less would be to admit that you cannot marshal and defend resources and would make a poor mate.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13603304553367090790noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2195389764777248385.post-49042830239776195212011-02-26T17:01:00.000-08:002011-02-26T17:30:31.458-08:00Brother, can you spare a dime?Growing up in the rural Midwest, I didn't have that much experience talking to the homeless* before moving to Seattle. Since moving west, I've been approached for change by people more times than I can count. Why if I had a nickel for every time someone approached me asking fo... never mind. Anyway, there are a number of ways people will ask for money, all with varying degrees of effectiveness at making me feel incredibly guilty that I've avoided eye contact with whoever's talking while fondly remembering the $7 sandwich I just ate (I assume this is the goal of every panhandler). My personal favorite way to be asked for money is the incredibly complex and implausible story. Here are a couple of the ones I've heard:<br /><br />-I live around the corner and I've locked my keys in my house. I called a locksmith, but he says he needs $15 to open my door and my wallet is inside and he won't start working on the door until he's paid. <br /><br />-I'm a sailor on a carrier docked in Bremerton and I lost my ferry pass. If I don't get $8.25, the ship is going to sail without me and I'll be kicked out of the navy.<br /><br />-My wife and I just had a fight. She drove off in the car with my wallet, and I'm several miles from home. Now, I'm happy to walk, but I think it'd be best if I showed up with some flowers for her. Do you know where a florist is, and may I borrow $15 to get a dozen roses?<br /><br />-Do you know anything about cars? No? Ok, well I'm out of motor oil and I need $2.79 to get a quart so I can get the car fixed and drive my kids home from school.<br /><br />-Hey, I'm a recovering drug addict and my P.O. is going to test me tomorrow. Unfortunately, I need to get to Spokane by train for the test, otherwise I'm going to jail even though I'm clean. Can I get some money for a train ticket?<br /><br />-Jason, it's Annie. I left my wallet at work and we need flour and eggs. I can't go back to work because I left my keys at home, and there won't be anyone there to open the door until after the co-op is closed. Can I borrow $20 from you?<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br />*And when I say homeless, I mean people living outdoors. I'm sure Northern Iowa has its fair share of people who have unstable housing situations and are living in their cars or other people's houses, but I don't recal to many people curled up in the doorway of the farm implement dealer. Just wanted to be clear.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13603304553367090790noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2195389764777248385.post-68064758745373149302010-10-27T22:05:00.001-07:002010-10-27T22:53:52.960-07:00And I shall love him and pet him and call him George<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_9UTOiCYg5WU/TMkOFXHijAI/AAAAAAAAANQ/cZmV0DfBmRI/s1600/sitting+meowmers.jpg"><br /></a><br /><div style="text-align: center;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_9UTOiCYg5WU/TMkEsAlcl4I/AAAAAAAAANA/lmlFNyEpWTs/s1600/Neko+Small.jpg"><img style="cursor: pointer; width: 400px; height: 300px;" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_9UTOiCYg5WU/TMkEsAlcl4I/AAAAAAAAANA/lmlFNyEpWTs/s400/Neko+Small.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5532958771319183234" border="0" /></a><br /></div><br />So, my roommate and I adopted a kitten. Which pretty much means that I'm required to frequently mention to anyone that I have now adopted an adorable kitten. And since dumbshitmycatdid.blospot was already taken, I thought I'd take a break from the regular programing to force anyone reading to listen to me talk about Neko... So, what's it like to have added a small mammal to the apartment? Why, I'm glad you asked!<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Acquiring the cat</span><br />The most important part of getting a cat is realizing that your girlfriend is serious when she says she will move out if you don't get a cat this weekend, and by god does she mean it. The second most important part is taking a careful survey of yourself and realizing that you are the sort of responsible adult who can take care of a creature that cannot open doors, food bags, or discover how to exit the bottom of your couch. Once you've decided to get a cat, you can choose between an older cat or a kitten. Each have their advantages and disadvantages. Kittens are adorable and energetic. Adult cats have a more settled personality and are less rambunctious. Unfortunately, their settled personality is often scared shitless because they have been abandoned to a crowded animal shelter. Annie and I opted for a kitten.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Buying things for the cat</span><br />A cat requires a box to crap in, sand to fill it, and food to provide the eventual crap for that box. And apparently a scratching post, because even a two pound kitten is capable of converting your already low quality couch into a pile of yarn within three days. I assume cats also would like a bed, though I have not yet observed my cat to sleep so much as to take short breaks from racing back and forth.<span style="font-weight: bold;"><br /><br />Naming the cat</span><br />Try to start by suggesting clearly unacceptable names for the cat, like Rasputin, Megatron, or naming it after your ex-girlfriends until "Professor Meowmers" sounds like a perfectly reasonable name. My cat's name is Neko, because I did not follow my own advice.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Making your home safe for a cat</span><br />Many common household items are toxic to cats and should be removed or put away before you bring your cat home. These items include:<br />-Tylenol<br />-pennies<br />-onions<br />-batteries<br />-most plants<br />-glue<br />-alcohol<br />-cadmium<br />-dust<br />-cobras<br />-and chocolate<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Playing with your cat<span style="font-weight: bold;"><span style="font-weight: bold;"><span style="font-weight: bold;"><br /></span></span></span></span>You might be surprised how many things in your house a cat is willing to play with. Especially at three in the morning, when decent animals are resting so that they can get up for their JOBS and use their money to buy free-range cat food for their lazy pets, who apparently spent the entire day sleeping so that they would have the energy needed to stay up all night swatting spoons around the sink. Also, cats sometimes don't realize that not everything moving is asking to be pounced on. Especially fingers while writing about the cat. I mean, cats are adorable when they chase string. Really adorable.<br /><br /><br />Well, that's all for this week. Join me next week when I discuss how to profit from pet ownership, both emotionally and fiscally. That's right, underground cat fighting league, watch out for 3.4 lbs of teeth and claws from Seattle, Washington.<br /><br /><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_9UTOiCYg5WU/TMkOFXHijAI/AAAAAAAAANQ/cZmV0DfBmRI/s1600/sitting+meowmers.jpg"><img style="display: block; margin: 0px auto 10px; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 320px; height: 240px;" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_9UTOiCYg5WU/TMkOFXHijAI/AAAAAAAAANQ/cZmV0DfBmRI/s320/sitting+meowmers.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5532969102469139458" border="0" /></a><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;"></span><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;"><span style="font-weight: bold;"><span style="font-weight: bold;"><span style="font-weight: bold;"></span></span></span></span>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13603304553367090790noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2195389764777248385.post-30814198355828151112010-10-06T21:07:00.000-07:002010-10-06T21:25:51.892-07:00And Alexander wept, for there were no more worlds to conquer.<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_9UTOiCYg5WU/TK1IsiakxBI/AAAAAAAAAMo/GBN54pthU-4/s1600/undersiege2.jpg"><img style="cursor: pointer; width: 224px; height: 320px;" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_9UTOiCYg5WU/TK1IsiakxBI/AAAAAAAAAMo/GBN54pthU-4/s320/undersiege2.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5525152247843177490" border="0" /></a><br /><br />I offer, with no further comment, the names and plot summaries for the first season of <span style="font-style: italic;">Steven Seagal: Lawman</span> -<br /><br /><br /><br /><table class="wikitable" style="margin-right: 0pt;" width="100%"><tbody><tr class="vevent" style="text-align: center; background: none repeat scroll 0% 0% rgb(242, 242, 242);"><td id="ep1">1</td> <td class="summary" style="text-align: left;">"<b>The Way of the Gun</b>"</td> <td>December 2, 2009<span style="display: none;"> (<span class="bday dtstart published updated">2009-12-02</span>)</span></td> </tr> <tr> <td class="description" style="border-bottom: 3px solid rgb(15, 54, 135);" colspan="3">Sheriff's Deputy Steven Seagal and his team capture an armed carjacker after a high-speed chase and tackle a convicted felon packing a pistol. In between these impressive busts, Seagal, the world-class marksman, teaches a fellow team member amazing Zen shooting techniques--techniques everyone on his team will need to survive the dangerous streets of Jefferson Parish, Louisiana. </td> </tr> <tr class="vevent" style="text-align: center; background: none repeat scroll 0% 0% rgb(242, 242, 242);"> <td id="ep2">2</td> <td class="summary" style="text-align: left;">"<b>The Deadly Hand</b>"</td> <td>December 2, 2009<span style="display: none;"> (<span class="bday dtstart published updated">2009-12-02</span>)</span></td> </tr> <tr> <td class="description" style="border-bottom: 3px solid rgb(15, 54, 135);" colspan="3">After a close call chasing a suspect with a gun, Aikido master Steven Seagal teaches his team of sheriff's deputies some self-defense and weapons retention techniques. Back out on patrol, they get called to a parking lot brawl. They detain the suspects, but one resists arrest and kicks out a patrol car window. Later, Steven encounters two belligerent men with a gun. The members of Steven's team are glad they've been trained by the best. </td> </tr> <tr class="vevent" style="text-align: center; background: none repeat scroll 0% 0% rgb(242, 242, 242);"> <td id="ep3">3</td> <td class="summary" style="text-align: left;">"<b>Killer Canines</b>"</td> <td>December 9, 2009<span style="display: none;"> (<span class="bday dtstart published updated">2009-12-09</span>)</span></td> </tr> <tr> <td class="description" style="border-bottom: 3px solid rgb(15, 54, 135);" colspan="3">Deputy Chief Steven Seagal and his team get a call for a burglary-in-progress and rush to the scene. They call in the K-9 Unit to search for a suspect who may still be in the home. Later, Steven apprehends a man who broke into a woman's house while fleeing from the police. Steven takes measures to defend his own home: guard dogs. If Steven can get his two aggressive, alpha males to work well together, he knows he'll have a canine protection team that can take on any intruder. </td> </tr> <tr class="vevent" style="text-align: center; background: none repeat scroll 0% 0% rgb(242, 242, 242);"> <td id="ep4">4</td> <td class="summary" style="text-align: left;">"<b>Too Young to Die</b>"</td> <td>December 9, 2009<span style="display: none;"> (<span class="bday dtstart published updated">2009-12-09</span>)</span></td> </tr> <tr> <td class="description" style="border-bottom: 3px solid rgb(15, 54, 135);" colspan="3">Steven and his team get a call to the scene of car accident involving a two-year-old but they discover that things aren't quite what they seem. Later, Steven shows some tough-love to a teenager hiding a deadly sawed-off shotgun. While off-duty, Steven visits the New Orleans Children's Hospital cancer ward and is so touched by the kids that he straps on his blues guitar and throws a benefit concert to raise money for the hospital. </td> </tr> <tr class="vevent" style="text-align: center; background: none repeat scroll 0% 0% rgb(242, 242, 242);"> <td id="ep5">5</td> <td class="summary" style="text-align: left;">"<b>Firearms of Fury</b>"</td> <td>December 16, 2009<span style="display: none;"> (<span class="bday dtstart published updated">2009-12-16</span>)</span></td> </tr> <tr> <td class="description" style="border-bottom: 3px solid rgb(15, 54, 135);" colspan="3">Steven and his team bust a suspect fleeing with a loaded .44 magnum and are called to the scene of a young man shot with a shotgun. With all these guns around, Steven and his team know they need to sharpen their street skills. They head to the best training they can get: a comprehensive computerized crime simulator and "real world" shoot house. Later, when a routine traffic stop takes a potentially deadly turn, Steven is glad he and his team are so well prepared. </td> </tr> <tr class="vevent" style="text-align: center; background: none repeat scroll 0% 0% rgb(242, 242, 242);"> <td id="ep6">6</td> <td class="summary" style="text-align: left;">"<b>The Student Becomes the Master</b>"</td> <td>December 16, 2009<span style="display: none;"> (<span class="bday dtstart published updated">2009-12-16</span>)</span></td> </tr> <tr> <td class="description" style="border-bottom: 3px solid rgb(15, 54, 135);" colspan="3">Be it apprehending suspects or making sure a woman is safe in her home, Deputy Chief Steven Seagal and his team patrol the streets of Jefferson Parish in honor of their former boss, the late Harry Lee. When a man is beaten by an intruder, the team catches the suspect and works to soothe the community, just as Harry would have wanted. Later, the time has come to induct the new sheriff, Newell Normand, and Steven is confident that Newell is the right man for the job. </td> </tr> <tr class="vevent" style="text-align: center; background: none repeat scroll 0% 0% rgb(242, 242, 242);"> <td id="ep7">7</td> <td class="summary" style="text-align: left;">"<b>To Live or Die</b>"</td> <td>December 23, 2009<span style="display: none;"> (<span class="bday dtstart published updated">2009-12-23</span>)</span></td> </tr> <tr> <td class="description" style="border-bottom: 3px solid rgb(15, 54, 135);" colspan="3">Deputy Chief Steven Seagal and his team find themselves in a desperate situation when two men are robbed and shot. Steven tries to keep the victims calm until the ambulance gets there but it's not clear if the men will live. While not chasing down bad guys, Steven and his partner Johnny find themselves in another desperate situation when they help rebuild a home for a family who lost everything in Hurricane Katrina. </td> </tr> <tr class="vevent" style="text-align: center; background: none repeat scroll 0% 0% rgb(242, 242, 242);"> <td id="ep8">8</td> <td class="summary" style="text-align: left;">"<b>Medicine Man</b>"</td> <td>December 30, 2009<span style="display: none;"> (<span class="bday dtstart published updated">2009-12-30</span>)</span></td> </tr> <tr> <td class="description" style="border-bottom: 3px solid rgb(15, 54, 135);" colspan="3">Deputy Chief Steven Seagal's on patrol so all the criminals run and hide. That's exactly what happens when a suspicious person call leads to an exciting chase that has Steven and his team scouring yards. Later, they face a cat and mouse game as they search a dark neighborhood for two more runners. All the running leaves Colonel John Fortunato with a knee injury. Steven takes him to a Chinese acupuncturist where he shares his knowledge of Chinese medicine and tries to make a skeptical cop into a true believer. </td> </tr> <tr class="vevent" style="text-align: center; background: none repeat scroll 0% 0% rgb(242, 242, 242);"> <td id="ep9">9</td> <td class="summary" style="text-align: left;">"<b>Crack War</b>"</td> <td>January 6, 2010<span style="display: none;"> (<span class="bday dtstart published updated">2010-01-06</span>)</span></td> </tr> <tr> <td class="description" style="border-bottom: 3px solid rgb(15, 54, 135);" colspan="3">The war on drugs continues on two fronts. First, Deputy Chief Steven Seagal and his team, responding to routine disturbance call, find a huge stash of drugs and take a big bite out of a drug dealer's business. Second, Steven and the guys cheer for a fellow officer as he competes in a best legs contest to raise money for a local drug rehabilitation center. </td> </tr> <tr class="vevent" style="text-align: center; background: none repeat scroll 0% 0% rgb(242, 242, 242);"> <td id="ep10">10</td> <td class="summary" style="text-align: left;">"<b>A Parish Under Siege</b>"</td> <td>January 13, 2010<span style="display: none;"> (<span class="bday dtstart published updated">2010-01-13</span>)</span></td> </tr> <tr> <td class="description" style="border-bottom: 3px solid rgb(15, 54, 135);" colspan="3">It's Friday night in Jefferson Parish and a call comes in for a near fatal car crash. Two men are rushed to the hospital while Steven and his guys search for other possible victims. Steven tries to prevent another horrendous crash by sending a couple of men walking home when he finds a bottle of rum in their car. And later, the squad meets up with SWAT to help deal with an equally dangerous threat: rodents that are undermining the Parish's all important levee system. </td> </tr> <tr class="vevent" style="text-align: center; background: none repeat scroll 0% 0% rgb(242, 242, 242);"> <td id="ep11">11</td> <td class="summary" style="text-align: left;">"<b>Street Justice</b>"</td> <td>January 20, 2010<span style="display: none;"> (<span class="bday dtstart published updated">2010-01-20</span>)</span></td> </tr> <tr> <td class="description" style="border-bottom: 3px solid rgb(15, 54, 135);" colspan="3">Deputy Chief Steven Seagal and his team get word that there may be some drug use at a local motel and there is: crack cocaine. It's a busy night, first the motel bust and then two other crack-related stops. The next day Steven teaches martial arts to a group of young people. He hopes to instill in them the discipline and self-confidence they need to stay away from the drugs he sees on the streets every day. </td> </tr> <tr class="vevent" style="text-align: center; background: none repeat scroll 0% 0% rgb(242, 242, 242);"> <td id="ep12">12</td> <td class="summary" style="text-align: left;">"<b>Narc Force</b>"</td> <td>January 27, 2010<span style="display: none;"> (<span class="bday dtstart published updated">2010-01-27</span>)</span></td> </tr> <tr> <td class="description" style="border-bottom: 3px solid rgb(15, 54, 135);" colspan="3">Deputy Chief Steven Seagal and his team join with the narcotics unit for an undercover sting on a drug dealer. But not everyone is bad. Later, when three suspicious young men prove themselves to be law-abiding citizens, Steven invites them to a big Sheriff's office picnic where he and the SWAT team demonstrate an exciting hostage rescue. </td> </tr> <tr class="vevent" style="text-align: center; background: none repeat scroll 0% 0% rgb(242, 242, 242);"> <td id="ep13">13</td> <td class="summary" style="text-align: left;">"<b>Ruthless Judgment</b>"</td> <td>February 3, 2010<span style="display: none;"> (<span class="bday dtstart published updated">2010-02-03</span>)</span></td> </tr> <tr> <td class="description" style="border-bottom: 3px solid rgb(15, 54, 135);" colspan="3">The night starts off badly as Deputy Chief Steven Seagal and his team rush to the scene of a man killed in a drive-by. Minutes later they race to another shooting: a man found dead in his car. Two homicides in less than an hour puts the unit on high alert and when they catch four young men out late, Steven has some stern words. But he gets down right harsh, the next night, when he finds two of them carrying drugs. But Steven has to get back to Los Angeles, it's time to make his next movie. </td></tr></tbody></table><br /><br />Ok, maybe one comment - Really?!? How in on the joke is Steven Seagal?<br /><br />A favorable <a href="http://www.nj.com/entertainment/tv/index.ssf/2009/12/steven_seagal_lawman_review_-.html">review</a> of the show!Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13603304553367090790noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2195389764777248385.post-56490431230466952522010-03-26T13:09:00.001-07:002010-03-29T23:40:51.899-07:00There is nothing new under the sun.<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_9UTOiCYg5WU/S7GBl5JH0eI/AAAAAAAAALU/3IvYSAumhiQ/s1600/newton+and+leibnitz.jpg"><img style="cursor: pointer; width: 320px; height: 207px;" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_9UTOiCYg5WU/S7GBl5JH0eI/AAAAAAAAALU/3IvYSAumhiQ/s320/newton+and+leibnitz.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5454283111716606434" border="0" /></a><br /> Isaac Newton v. Gottfried Leibniz<br /><br /><br />I really hate it when ideas I have turn out to have already been done by other people. It twists the thrill of invention into the agony of knowing that you are not unique, or thoughtful, or insightful, and probably just don't remember that you were watching "Histories Biggest Catapults" the night before. Damn it, I was sure I was the first to think of launching heavy rocks at buildings to smash them into a pulp. Anyway, one could take some solace in knowing that many of histories great ideas have been co-discovered. <br /><br />Take, for example, the legendary dual discovery of calculus by Isaac Newton and Gottfried Wilhelm Leibniz. Leibniz was working on a paper on differential calculus when he was shown unpublished papers by Newton, who had beaten him to it by a good decade. Leibniz maintained that he'd come up with it without hearing anything from Newton, but contemporary scholars had a hard time trusting someone with such a ridiculous haircut.<br /><br />Darwin's theory of natural selection was independently arrived at by <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Alfred_Russel_Wallace">Alfred Russell Wallace</a>. Ol' Chuck began formulating a method for how species evolve after returning from his leisurely cruise of the Galapagos. Darwin worked on his theory for 20 years until he found out Wallace had arrived at the same conclusions he had. I'd like to imagine the smug look of satisfaction on Darwin's face as he broke it to poor Wallace that the Texas School Board would never even bother to omit him from their textbooks.<br /><br />The only problem with these simultaneous discoveries is that they're too simultaneous. If you really want an embarrassing co-discovery, you have to have a little more space in between. Consider the work of John Smeaton, civil engineer. He had a breakthrough in using quick lime to make concrete. Concrete was a strong, cheap, pourable building material that allowed for the construction of a diverse range of structures. Which is why the Romans used it extensively, all the way back to at least 100 B.C., when the engineer Vitruvius wrote down a recipe for concrete comparable in strength to what we use now. But, the secret of concrete was lost for around 1300 years, until Mr. Smeaton brought humanity back to where they were before Visigoths ran wild throughout the Western Roman Empire. Probably with some kind of device that could hurl big rocks at those concrete structures... Damn you, Visigoths!Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13603304553367090790noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2195389764777248385.post-24816255315382426312010-01-28T21:49:00.001-08:002010-01-29T08:17:15.157-08:00Don't Act So Surprised, Haiti<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_9UTOiCYg5WU/S2J3E57ivHI/AAAAAAAAAKY/_R5LqKZjSQg/s1600-h/faust.jpg"><img style="cursor: pointer; width: 320px; height: 298px;" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_9UTOiCYg5WU/S2J3E57ivHI/AAAAAAAAAKY/_R5LqKZjSQg/s320/faust.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5432035026715982962" border="0" /></a><br /><br />For the life of me, I cannot fathom why people are outraged over Pat Robertson's comments in the wake of the Haiti earthquakes. In case you haven't been watching the 700 Club, let me bring you up to speed. In the immediate aftermath of one of the <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_natural_disasters_by_death_toll#Earthquakes">most devastating natural disasters in history</a>, Mr. Robertson opined that Haiti had it coming for its pact with the devil at the end of the 18th Century. Mr. Robertson believed that the slaves of Haiti, shipped over to work in sugar plantations to feed the endless appetite of the English for tea sweetener after the local population was almost totally annihilated, were unable to unshackle themselves from their cruel overlords without the machinations of satan. Living in brutal conditions in which the life expectancy for new arrivals was best measured in months, the slaves of Haiti revolted against their harsh French masters (preceding sentence only funny if you are not Haiti, Vietnam, or Algeria). But instead of heroically mounting the first successful slave rebellion in the Western hemisphere and establishing a republic with broad rights on their own, they had to drag the devil into it. In return for two centuries of crippling poverty and corruption, some sucker on Haiti got an eternity of damnation. Granted, not the best deal with the devil that's ever been made, but Haiti should have known that no deal with the devil works out well. Unless it's an arrangement to teach fiddle skills. Then you're probably ok.<br /><br />Other famous deals with the devil:<br />-Johann Faust: A hobo chemist and astrologer (hey, the 1500s were weird) of Germany, Mr. Faust entered into a deal with one Mephistopheles to make him into an astrologer to the stars. After several years of being a well respected advisor to the court, Faust, or bits of him, were discovered in the aftermath of a gruesome alchemy experiment.<br /><br />-Lando Calrissian: In order to secure the freedom of Cloud City, Lando, the dashing administrator of a successful mining operation, strikes a bargain with Darth Vader to deliver his best friend to a bounty hunter and Luke Skywalker to the Emporer. In return, a princess would be his alone, and his city would be spared. Lando (and Lobot) selfishly broke this bargain, dooming the rest of the inhabitants of Cloud City to an agonizing death and ensuring that Princess Leia would prefer a man/wall decoration to the equally charming Billy Dee Williams.<br /><br />-Pat Robertson: A young Mr. Robertson went to the Tchula Junction in Mississippi and traded his immortal soul for the ability to go on television and blame natural disasters on the victims. Who but one in league with Lucifer could remain on the air after attributing terrorist attacks to lesbians and the ACLU, hurricanes to abortions, and the robot invasion of the Upper Midwest to women's suffrage? Will ol' Pat remember this deal so fondly when he is toiling in Hell's brimstone mines and writhing in the sulphur fields of eternity?<br /><br />-Kobe Bryant: I don't know what the terms were, but no one will ever convince me that the Grizzlies gave up Pau Gasol to the Lakers for a bag of magic beans and Javaris Crittendon.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13603304553367090790noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2195389764777248385.post-46794020394190944932009-11-17T00:59:00.000-08:002009-11-17T09:42:31.761-08:00Penthouse View of Insanity<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_9UTOiCYg5WU/SwJq5KVUS9I/AAAAAAAAAKM/pz2rnOxrb9Y/s1600/SB+POSTER+demolition+man.jpg"><img style="cursor: pointer; width: 320px; height: 290px;" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_9UTOiCYg5WU/SwJq5KVUS9I/AAAAAAAAAKM/pz2rnOxrb9Y/s320/SB+POSTER+demolition+man.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5405000033056869330" border="0" /></a><br /><br /><br />My apartment has two skylights, which would be great if I lived somewhere where you could see the sky while you were home for more than three months out of the year. Instead, my apartment lets me get a magnified volume version of whatever type of weather is currently occurring. Tonight, it's a rainstorm*. Because the sound of the rain and wind has made it impossible for me to sleep at a god-fearing hour, I've been forced to turn to my dark subconscious and television for succor. In a cruel twist of fate, they were both focused on the 1993 film, "Demolition Man."<br /><br />I first saw "Demolition Man," in high school. I grew up in the country, and spent many a Saturday night hanging out with my brothers watching public television. Occasionally, our attention would wander to one of the other late night stations; and in North-Central Iowa, one of them would invariably be playing "Demoliton Man." The film, a dystopian action film, or at least a movie that aspires to be a dystopian action film, stars Wesley Snipes, Sylvester Stalone, and Sandra Bullock as people, um, in a future where there is no violence except that violence propagated by Wesley Snipes. Also, Taco Bell is the only restaurant (see, Annie, the future's a bright place). Anyway, the movie is completely ridiculous in the most mediocre of ways possible. Stuff blows up, Sylvester Stalone pretends he's read "A Brave New World," Sandra Bullock enjoys one last moment as a starring actor, and Wesley Snipes plays a prisoner who refuses to play by societies rules. I can't remember if he didn't pay his taxes, or if it was something else. The film survives in two forms. One, as a cheap movie that any channel can presumably secure the rights to play in exchange for a bag of yogurt covered pretzels, and two, as a pinball machine that is uncommonly prevalent in the Pacific Northwest. I've seen four "Demoliton Man," pinball machines between Seattle and Portland. Or put another way, one machine for each person who saw the theatrical release. The mere presence of the "Demoliton Man," machine at the bowling alley I frequent seems to have led to an increase in the showing of the film on late night television, particularly on nights I can't sleep. I can only conclude that this is part of a conspiracy by the Illuminati to dull the senses of the already slow-witted parts of the populous. Well, to you, shadowy conspiracy members, I say, um, it's working. That film is a train-wreck, and I cannot stop watching.<br /><br />*Counter to stereotypes, I have not experienced that many rainstorms in Seattle. The city seems more prone to a constant grayness from October to May than to any outright fits of ill-weather.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13603304553367090790noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2195389764777248385.post-61087646185548161292009-10-31T08:38:00.000-07:002009-10-31T09:36:56.332-07:00Movies that could be pornographic titles without changing the name.<div style="text-align: center;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_9UTOiCYg5WU/SuxgXHBX27I/AAAAAAAAAKE/xPUuHesiOaM/s1600-h/Romancing+the+Stone+Poster.jpg"><img style="cursor: pointer; width: 300px; height: 300px;" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_9UTOiCYg5WU/SuxgXHBX27I/AAAAAAAAAKE/xPUuHesiOaM/s320/Romancing+the+Stone+Poster.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5398796003448445874" border="0" /></a><br /></div><br />Anyone who has accidentaly wandered into the adult section of their local videostore while looking for a copy of <span style="font-style: italic;">Air Bud: Seventh Inning Fetch</span> will have noticed the tendency for pornographic films to change the name of existing movies into more risque titles. <span style="font-style: italic;">Romancing the Stone </span>is perverted into <span style="font-style: italic;">Romancing the Bone.</span> The timeless coming of age story <span style="font-style: italic;">A River Runs Through It</span> becomes <span style="font-style: italic;">A Wanger Runs Through It.</span> I'll leave you to guess the twisted inspiration behind <span style="font-style: italic;">Edward Penishands</span><span style="font-style: italic;">, White Men Can Hump, Come with the Wind, </span>and <span style="font-style: italic;">Schindler's List of Woman He'd Boned Who Were Totally Ones.</span>.. Anyway, it occured to me that there are several films that you wouldn't even need to change the title to make them into pornographic films. And since my girlfriend isn't awake yet to be disturbed by my cleverness, it's list time!<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">Deep Impact</span><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">Hancock</span><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">Chitty Chitty Bang Bang</span><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">The Private Life of Henry VIII</span><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">Ed Wood</span><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">Bound for Glory</span><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">Guess Who's Coming to Dinner</span><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">Rick Steves' Europe Through the Backdoor</span><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">Fire Down Below</span><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen</span><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">Free Willy</span><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">The Bone Collector</span><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">Mary Poppins</span><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">Beauty and the Beast</span><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">Rambo: First Blood</span><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">The Last Temptation of Christ</span><br /><br /><br />Wow, now that I think about it, that's a lot of Van Damme movies that could also be pornos. They'd probably all involve him getting into menage a trois with his twin. But that's a post for another day.<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">Double Impact</span><br /><span style="font-style: italic;"> Double Team</span><br /><span style="font-style: italic;"> Desert Heat</span> (the UK title of the mediocre Inferno)<br /><span style="font-style: italic;">Knock Off</span><br /><span style="font-style: italic;"> Hard Target</span>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13603304553367090790noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2195389764777248385.post-81429446151734941292009-10-11T23:26:00.001-07:002009-10-12T00:06:30.685-07:00Who's watching?Ahhh, a nice Sunday evening. Think I'll just sit down on the couch, try to finish off this Elmore Leonard novel. Hey, where did I put my book? I could swear I put it down right here. Somebody must have mov...<br /><br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_9UTOiCYg5WU/StLMQysPHFI/AAAAAAAAAJ8/bpEpLAnc1ms/s1600-h/themoney.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 320px; height: 214px;" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_9UTOiCYg5WU/StLMQysPHFI/AAAAAAAAAJ8/bpEpLAnc1ms/s320/themoney.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5391596292773190738" border="0" /></a><br /><br />Oh shit! It's the money I saved with Geico. Four dollars and ten cents. Watching me. And presumably hiding <span style="font-style: italic;">LaBrava.</span> Good one, money, you really got me this time.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13603304553367090790noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2195389764777248385.post-71687291717839072002009-09-21T23:27:00.001-07:002009-09-21T23:42:11.388-07:00In which I don't give a shit about the ACORN scandalSo, an undercover camera crew caught a couple of non-profit employees giving advice to the world's most stereotypical pimp and prostitute. Color me unimpressed. Or, if you're British, colour me unimpressed. So you can find a couple employees to give ridiculous advice to two morons. Whoop de-doo. I don't like to bring my work onto the internets, but if you were to call my office with a ridiculous story, you'd have about a 15% chance of me giving a hypothetical statement of how to move forward to get unemployment. And, if you edited out the parts of my statement where I listed all the problems with said ridiculous claim, you'd have me giving advice on how to skirt the law to people similar to the Acorn pimps. The nerve of people to go after an incredibly minor transgression on the part of low-level people at an organization who try and help those on the bottom rung simply infuriates me.<br /><br />Anyway, with any luck, this will be the only thing I write that doesn't mention Jurassic Park, tacos, or my intense desire to own a flame thrower.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13603304553367090790noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2195389764777248385.post-3358747096501871972009-09-11T23:43:00.000-07:002009-09-12T00:29:44.397-07:00You, uh, stabbed her and then, um, you uh, killed her.<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_9UTOiCYg5WU/SqtEu80H3vI/AAAAAAAAAJ0/ZBqRwd_gTKs/s1600-h/Dr.+Ian+Malcolm.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 263px; height: 320px;" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_9UTOiCYg5WU/SqtEu80H3vI/AAAAAAAAAJ0/ZBqRwd_gTKs/s320/Dr.+Ian+Malcolm.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5380469753213607666" border="0" /></a><br /><br />So, who should I find on Law & Order: CI but detective Ian Malcolm? That's right, America's favorite chaostician is now using his consideable mental prowess to solve crime in New York City. Yes, the twisted mind of a serial killer is no match for a man who has survived an island where dinosaurs have been returned to life in a, um, terrible subversion of the natural law. Detective Ian Malcolm becomes the latest renowned crimesolver in the Law & Order franchise, joining such luminaries as Sgt. Lenny "innappropriate wise-crack" Brisoe, Detective Mike"Oh my God it's Carrie's boyfriend! yes I know Annie" Logan, Elliot "Chin" Stabler, Apparently not a cop killer Ice-T, and whatever the name of that guy Vincent D'Onofrio plays. The one who solves crimes through the use of contrived plot points. The one who's the most irritating detective in the history of fiction; jeez, this is driving me nuts, what's his name? Anyway, the point I wanted to make was that Jeff Goldblum needs money. Apparently, very badly.<br /><br /><object width="425" height="344"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/h7XY6PAah7s&hl=en&fs=1&rel=0"><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/h7XY6PAah7s&hl=en&fs=1&rel=0" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344"></embed></object><br /><br />Possible Detective Ian Malcolm interrogation:<br />Det. Nichols - So, uh, what happened.<br />suspect - I didn't do nuthin.<br />Det. Nichols - The, um, arrogance, you're displaying here is just unbelievable, I mean, uh, who are, um, you to play God and decide who lives or dies?<br />suspect - Uhhhh?<br />Det. Nichols - I looked at each drop of blood at the crime scene, and uh, I got to tell you, there was no predicting where the next one would go. I mean, you stabbed her. And you stabbed her, and uh, that's chaos.<br />suspect - listen man I...<br />Det. Nichols -You're afraid to dive into the plasma pool aren't you? You're afraid to be destroyed and re-created, aren't you? I'll bet you think that you woke me up about the flesh, don't you? But you only know society's straight line about the flesh! You can't penetrate beyond society's sick, grey fear of the flesh! Drink deep or taste not the plasma spring, see what I'm saying? Now, I'm not just talking about sex and penetration, I'm talking about penetration beyond the veil of the flesh! A deep, penetrating dive into the plasma pool!<br />suspect - Sweet Jesus, I did it! I did it. Just get the fuck away from me.<br />Det. Nichols - This uh, just um, shows that crime, doesn't pay.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13603304553367090790noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2195389764777248385.post-49660149662510260492009-06-07T11:22:00.000-07:002009-06-19T12:27:49.956-07:00Great Moments in Punditry<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_9UTOiCYg5WU/SiwFqTEE9bI/AAAAAAAAAI8/m6Q6YE58gw8/s1600-h/mclaughlin.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 320px; height: 198px;" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_9UTOiCYg5WU/SiwFqTEE9bI/AAAAAAAAAI8/m6Q6YE58gw8/s320/mclaughlin.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5344653082011956658" border="0" /></a>Sunday, June 7, 2009.<br /><br />UPDATE: The transcript is pretty close to how I remembered it. Truly the sharpest minds and the hardest talk.<br /><br /><span style=";font-family:Verdana,arial,helvetica,geneva,swiss,SunSans-Regular;font-size:85%;" ><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 0);font-size:85%;" ><span style="font-family: georgia;font-size:100%;" >The U.S. report card: Household savings up; consumer confidence up; consumer spending up; new unemployment claims down; home sales up, April; income up; stocks up -- this week, a seven-month high.<br /><br />But the coast is still not clear. GM, Chrysler both declare bankruptcy; the U.S. current accounts deficit and national debt both shockingly high; U.S. AAA credit rating now at risk, possibly, some say; dollar weak.<br /><br />This week Geithner tried to assure a student audience at Peking University that Chinese dollar assets were safe. But there was a problem. The students openly laughed at him.<br /><br /></span><span style="font-family: georgia;font-size:100%;" >This was an encouraging report on the economy, but it ignored the turd in the punch bowl</span><span style="font-weight: bold; font-family: georgia;font-size:100%;" > </span><span style="font-family: georgia;font-size:100%;" >-- (laughter) -- which the Bureau of Labor Statistics pointed to on Friday when it announced that the unemployment rate vaulted from 8.9 percent to 9.4 percent.<br /><br /> That laughter was unseemly, Buchanan.<br /><br /> MR. BUCHANAN: (Laughs.)<br /><br /> DR. MCLAUGHLIN: Question: On the U.S. economy, is the arrow pointing up? Mort Zuckerman.<br /><br /> MR. ZUCKERMAN: John, it's hard to follow a line like "There's turd in the punch bowl," but I'll try. (Laughter.)<br /><br /> DR. MCLAUGHLIN: A turd.<br /><br /> MR. ZUCKERMAN: A turd, okay.</span><br /></span></span><br /><br />(I'll try to put the transcript of John McLaughlin's intro to the financial section once it comes out. Until then, enjoy!)<br /><br />John McLaughlin: <span style="font-style: italic;">Pat, your laughter was unseemly; Mort, what's your analysis of the global fiscal markets?</span><br />Mort Zuckerman: <span style="font-style: italic;"> John, it's hard to follow a line like, "There are turds in the punchbowl."</span><br />John McLaughlin: <span style="font-style: italic;">It was, there's </span><span style="font-weight: bold;">A</span> <span style="font-style: italic;">turd in the punchbowl.<br /><br /></span>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13603304553367090790noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2195389764777248385.post-14790387158862946992009-05-15T22:16:00.000-07:002009-05-16T13:01:05.215-07:00A Night of Contrasting Philosphical Viewpoints, Part II<div style="text-align: center;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_9UTOiCYg5WU/Sg5ObLVwsXI/AAAAAAAAAIc/9db9oyizlH4/s1600-h/Polar-Bear-Greeting.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 320px; height: 240px;" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_9UTOiCYg5WU/Sg5ObLVwsXI/AAAAAAAAAIc/9db9oyizlH4/s320/Polar-Bear-Greeting.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5336288837288112498" border="0" /></a><br />The Golden Compass:<br />Polar Bears fight for free thought<br /><div style="text-align: left;"><br />After the adventure that was "Bibleman," my evening went down to its intended purpose, watching "The Golden Compass." Several of my friends insist that the Golden Compass series of books are excellent science-fiction books, with an interesting respect for atheism that serves as a counterpoint to the more Christian orientated Narnia books. As I have not read the books, I will comment solely on the movie, which was, and I will put this as delicately as possible, fucking crazy.<br /><br />I'll try to summarize the plot as best as I can remember. In a parallel universe, people's souls are externally represented by small animals. The Catholic Church, which goes by some other name, is attempting to stifle research into "dust," which is entering from another dimension into people's souls. A girl receives a golden ouiji board that can determine the future from her uncle, James Bond. She is taken under the wing of a high-society woman, who turns out to be her mother, who had previously banged her uncle (this would make James Bond her dad), who is working for the Church to kidnap children. Children are being kidnapped to experiment on them in Norway to split them fromt their animal souls. Let me break the narrative here for a moment to speculate that in our universe, this would probably be a step up in the public image of the church. Anyway, the girl goes north where she meets a talking polar bear. This polar bear drinks whiskey by the bucketfull as he wallows in pity for his lost armor. But hey, magic compass, and we've got ourselves a fully armored bear. Or at least one with a vest and a hat. I was really hoping that the polar bear would also have a rifle or something, to make him both a terror at long range and a whirling dervish of claws up close. Yes, a whirling dervish. Well, now that our heroine has a bear under her command, she meets up with a Texas cowboy/blimp pilot, played by that most authentic of Lone Star Zeppelineers, Sam Elliott. They manage to make it to the prison where the church is de-souling children, where the heroine has the children escape... into the arctic. Where they are quickly set upon by guards. Who are then attacked by Gypsies. And a polar bear. And a magic army of witches. And a blimp. I'm pretty sure a Deus Ex Machina also came at them. Anyway, a glorious battle was joined, the heroine went to go find her uncle/father to discover what this important "dust" was and then movie over.<br /><br />As may have been obvious from the above, but I have no idea what is going on in this story. People's souls are animals that hang out with them. Ok, got it. And yeah, it's nifty how everyone who's spirit is a german sheppard joined the church's child murdering unit, does help identify them. And in this parallel universe, polar bears can talk. Oh, and they wear armor and are blacksmiths of renoun. As far as I can tell, these are the only talking animals besides peoples spirits. In the books, do they go into what the hells going on with the fauna of this universe? I'm going to bet that most people there are vegetarian. Though I guess I didn't see any cow or chicken spirits. Delicous chicken spirits. Were people who hadn't read the Lord of the Rings twelve times as confused by the Fellowship as I was by this?<br /><br />Finally, (barely) trying to tie this in to the theme of contrasting philosophical viewpoints, I guess I can see where this movie attempted to link the controlling, paternalistic efforts of the multi-verses authority with our universes religous institutions. Numerous times, people affiliated with the church assure us that they, "know what's best." This would be a more nuanced philosphical discussion if the people making the argument didn't look like they were plotting to build a death star. In the end, I don't really what the fuss was about, the religious authorities portrayed in this movie seemed like something Christopher Hitchens might imagine to be the way the church works in some sort of booze-induced fever. Zing! Or, put another way, I didn't see any way that the movie represented an athiestic viewpoint. Don't put too much faith in my view, when they were nailing that freaking lion to a cross in "The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe," I thought it was about the French Revolution. If I could have people take anything from "The Golden Compass," it would be this: for the love of God, science, or Gozer, do not try to fight an armored polar bear.<br /></div></div>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13603304553367090790noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2195389764777248385.post-72564544094365750622009-05-11T23:34:00.000-07:002009-05-12T00:07:36.281-07:00A Night of Contrasting Philosphical Viewpoints, Part I<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_9UTOiCYg5WU/SgkaptggW-I/AAAAAAAAAHc/jLkQqfVlG0A/s1600-h/bibleman2_lg.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; float: left; cursor: pointer; width: 160px; height: 320px;" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_9UTOiCYg5WU/SgkaptggW-I/AAAAAAAAAHc/jLkQqfVlG0A/s320/bibleman2_lg.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5334824537489955810" border="0" /></a>Ever since the discovery of digital cable, man has been able to watch much more over the air television than ever before. And because sometime man loses the remote to woman, he's forced to choose between religious programming and "Gossip Girls." This is hardly a choice at all.<br /><br />...Anyway, this evening I watched, in stunned silence, "<a href="http://www.bibleman.com/index.shtml">Bibleman</a>." Bibleman is a children's tv show about a man who is Bibleman by day and a mild mannered religous hero called Bibleman by night. Well, or at least until 10:00, when he probably goes to bed. The show has a credit sequence that shows Bibleman racing on a motorcycle, punching someone who appears to be a man in a home-made Darth Maul outfit, performing jump high fives, and weilding a fucking lightsaber. My hopes for a zealous defender of the light through extreme violence were quickly discouraged; Bibleman does most of his action through talking to troubled eleven year olds, who apparently are in danger of falling back in with the wrong crowd. One wonders exactly how much soul tainting-sinning someone who hasn't finished the 6th grade could get up to. Or maybe these kids just have more interesting childhoods than I did. Um, anyway, Bibleman's arch-enemy is a man who tempts children to renounce the Lord. He is dressed like Locutus of Borg, but minus the dignity and comic timing. He also has a sidekick who can frequently be seen peering through the bushes at the school, which is probably a violation of the conditions of his parole. The episode I saw included a rich subplot where-in the only minority member of Bibleman's team nearly fell back into old habits with his dangerous gang. I'm not sure exactly what those habits were; you'd expect him to come back reeking of gin or covered in garish lipstick. Maybe he played cards? Anyway, the character proclaimed his righteous indignation at nearly relapsing by loudly proclaiming, "I am righteously indignant!" In the end, that same minority character was able to expose a website as having been designed by Borg Satan to corrupt children. In keeping with the utter banality of evil present on religous shows for children, the website consisted of a Flash game. <br /><br />As incredible as the experience of watching "Bibleman" was, I did come away with a few nagging doubts (hopefully this will prompt a visit from Biblewoman). I can't remember a middle school society that ruthlessly casted out people who attended youth groups. I'm fairly sure that the Bible doesn't mention leaving your old friends as a prerequisite for salvation. And worst of all, at no point in the show was anything more violent than a gentle lecture used. I was righteously indignant about the lack of a lightsaber duel promised in the opening credits.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13603304553367090790noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2195389764777248385.post-36351242565691608912008-12-29T20:54:00.000-08:002008-12-29T22:06:09.573-08:00Notes from Left BehindThe movie opens with Kirk Cameron interviewing some Jewish dude about miracle crops when suddenly, thousands of jets swoop across the sky and then explode. Then Kirk Cameron, who goes by "Buck Williams," finds a rambling old guy, who I presume is the Wandering Jew from "A Canticle for Lebowitz." Anyway, he then flies home and the Rapture happens while he's on a plane. And then there's a bunch of soul searching among those left behind. Anyway, here are my random observations:<br />-When the Rapture occurs, there are a lot of traffic accidents from people ascending. Wouldn't a loving God wait until bedtime to cause the disappearance of the world's true believers?<br />-An airline pilot returns home to find his whole family has disappeared. In a rage, he throws a bible at a mirror. After the mirror shatters, he picks up the bible and realizes it holds the key to recent events.<br />-According to this movie, the UN is very powerful, and controlling it is key to bringing about the end of the world. I'm pretty sure that this doesn't fit in with most critiques of the U.N.<br />-The Antichrist is a Romanian who could be mistaken for a very bad bond villain. He plans to divide the world into ten kingdoms, and, um, rule the world in peace from them. Truly, the work of Satan.<br />-Walker's sidekick, James Trivette, is a preacher who didn't believe hard enough. Walker, presumably, ascended to heaven. I can only hope that in the sequel, there is more kicking.<br />-The Antichrist announces that the cause of the disappearances is radiataion from generations of nuclear weapons, so he announces the abolition of such weapons. Again, damn you, Satan!<br />-The movie ends with an awesome religious synth rock song.<br />-I wish I had more to say, but I was pretty left behind by a six pack of Alaskan IPAs.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13603304553367090790noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2195389764777248385.post-16774948281983192762008-12-29T19:38:00.000-08:002008-12-29T20:46:40.204-08:00Notes from the Digital AgeMy household has now made the switch to digital television, a full month and a half before we would have been reduced to staring at a blank screen in utter confusion, dim memories of commercials warning us to switch leaving the back of our minds. As an early adopter of this new technology, it is my privelege, nay, duty, to report back to the rest of you analog simpletons with tales from the digital age.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Why?<br /></span>In 2005, Congress passed the <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/DTV_transition_in_the_United_States">Digital Transition and Public Safety Act of 2005</a>. This act mandated that all analog broadcasts stop on February 17, 2009. I'm not sure why this was done, possibilities include a desire to free up a radio spectrum from other uses, pressure from the digital converter box lobby, or a desire to see NBC's hit "Chuck" in higher definition. Warren Hatch fucking loves that show. In any event, all televisons in the United States will stop working in February, except those who have cable, or satellite, or those who "read" for entertainment. <br /><span style="font-weight: bold;"><br />How?<span style="font-weight: bold;"><span style="font-weight: bold;"><span style="font-weight: bold;"><span style="font-weight: bold;"><br /></span></span></span></span></span>By purchasing a digital converter box, you can continue to enjoy the fruits of network television after the switch. In addition, you'll have access to extra channells, as multiple stations can be broadcast at once through digital magic. You can get a coupon for these converter boxes, or you can rely on your parents to bail you out of your sloth. I'll leave you to guess which option I took. Setting up the box involves plugging your antenna into the converter, and the converter into your television. It's a very simple process. Needless to say, millions of elderly Americans are going to be staring at their TVs in stunned horror when Murder, She Wrote fails to come on. <br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">What's Different?<br /><span style="font-weight: bold;"><span style="font-weight: bold;"></span></span></span>-First off, channels do seem to come in much clearer. After the change, I can finally read the clues on Jeopardy, and see what the ravages of time have done to Vanna White.<br />-Where once there was one, now there are many. A single channel can be split into several channels digitally. Before, there was just PBS. Now, there are four PBS stations available, though none of them are solely devoted to John McLaughlin.<br />-Each major station now has an alternative weather station. Great. Now I can tell that it's going to be overcast and rainy all day long.<br />-There are now three remotes to control the operation of the tv. This is a 50% increase in remotes. Awesome!<br />-There are now approximately 10 religous stations that come in. This enabled me to finally watch the Left Behind movie, and learn about how I'm going to hell.<br />-Instead of coming in fuzzy, channels that aren't tuned now come in blocky, or not at all. I'm not sure if this is an improvement, as it gives me the horrifying feeling that I'm about to be transported into the Tron mainframe.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;"><span style="font-weight: bold;"><span style="font-weight: bold;"><span style="font-weight: bold;"><span style="font-weight: bold;"></span></span></span></span></span><span style="font-size:100%;"></span>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13603304553367090790noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2195389764777248385.post-42437368435001766652008-08-20T21:28:00.000-07:002008-08-20T22:20:31.242-07:00Perspective on Michael PhelpsUnless you've been living in a cave for the past couple weeks, a cave outside of China at that, you've probably heard that Michael Phelps has set the Olympic record for most gold medals with 8. Now, that's a lot of gold medals. He could probably melt three of them down and buy, um, a jet-ski or something, and still have a fairly impressive mantel. Commentators have called this the most impressive Olympic event, and I'm pretty sure I heard someone call it the most impressive event in the history of sport. I think it was Strawman McHyperbole, who's a color commentator on MSNBC. I'm not an authority on swimming (or anything), but I think these are questionable assertions.<br /> Michael Phelps is unquestionably the most amazing swimmer in Olympic history. He is doubtlessly far ahead of the competition, which includes such lauded heros as, Mark Spitz, um, that Australian guy with big feet, or the French guy who thought his relay team was going to win. Sorry, swimming is just not one of those thing I pay attention to when the Olympics are not going on. And even then, an American has to be kicking ass for me to care. I don't want you to get the impression that I'm knocking Phelp's stellar achievement; if Aquaman were to go rogue he's the first person I'd call.<br /> My problem is that swimming, as something I'm bad at, just doesn't impress me. Let's look at Phelp's record breaking time in the 200m freestyle: 1:42:96. Now, I'm sure I couldn't swim 200m in anything under an hour and a half, but on land, I could beat that hopping on one leg. It's just hard for me to put swimming achivements in perspective. Usain Bolt's <a href="http://www.mirror.co.uk/news/top-stories/2008/08/18/olympic-sprint-hero-usain-bolt-s-chicken-nuggets-diet-secret-115875-20702431/">chicken nugget</a> fueled rampage through the 100m and 200m sprints is just easier to contextualize.<br /> Sorry, Michael Phelps, you chose to excel in a sport I don't care about. Your loss, buddy.<span style="text-decoration: underline;"><span style="font-weight: bold;"><span style="font-weight: bold;"></span></span></span><br /><br /><br /><br /><br />Bonus: Other Olympic Thoughts<br />-Why isn't there a biathlon in the summer olympics? Just combine a steeplechase with machine pistols and you've got yourself something twice as bad-ass as badminton<br />-Badminton is pretty bad-ass. But when they say that the shuttlecock is going 206 mph, they're full of shit. Sure, it's going that fast when it leaves the racket, but the thing is a tiny parachute. Those things are still going damned fast, they're just not going to kill the opponent if they miss.<br />-It's good to see USA basketball asserting themselves on a world stage. Vince Carter's <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XMrPjl-927Q">dunk</a> over Frederic Weis is still the gold standard for U.S. dominance, but this year's had a few moments that've gotten into the same ballpark.<br />-I wonder how London will <a href="http://www.guardian.co.uk/sport/2008/aug/20/olympics2008.china1">top</a> the Beijing games. They'll probably have to raze an orphanage to make way for an artificial lake.<br />-In a similar vein, I wonder what wars will break out during the next Olympics. My bet is Canada vs. New Detroit.<br />-Having events tape delayed for the west coast sucks. I'll get up at 4:30 to watch Chris Bosh stick it to Germany 7 days a week and twice on Sunday.<br />-Rowing events would be considerably more fun to watch if you could ram opponents boats.<br />-Why do they have baseball in the olympics? Does anyone outside of Cuba and Japan care about this?<br />-Having 16 year old (or however old they are) gymnasts competing is ridiculous. Any sport where you peak pre-puberty is not one I can fully support. I'm not even sure if raising the age would help, since you're still training kids well before they have much of a say in the matter. And I'm sure this happens in tennis and a host of other sports, but it just seems a little sick. Then again, I'll probably force my kids to play frisbee and halo until their tear ducts malfunction, so who am I to complain?<br />-I was really disappointed to find out that the hammer throw does not involve throwing a hammer. My training in this event is now for naught.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13603304553367090790noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2195389764777248385.post-77231283188371449382008-07-13T01:43:00.001-07:002008-07-13T01:54:25.623-07:00Topics I've half written about but trust me, are not even fit for a blog no one readsSo, I haven't written anything interesting in quite a while. I haven't really written anything un-interesting either, hence the lack of activity on here. But, in fairness to my girlfriend, who might check this thing when she's really, really bored, here are a few of the things I've started writing in my drunk-notebook:*<br />-A treatise on the delectability of tater tots<br />-Children's books that should be updated to our modern times<br />-A ranking of diet sodas<br />-Superpowers that would be really inconvenient for day-to-day life<br />-Flamethrower vs. Grenade Launcher<br />- Requisites for an awesome detective<br />-The ungodly sadness of Girl's Gone Wild<br /><br />Now, any one of these could be made interesting, but in their current form, they are spiteful reminders of my inability to follow through on any thoughts I have.<br /><br />*The drunk-notebook is a pad of paper that I keep near my bedside table in the hope that I'll have some idea worth remembering in the middle of the night. Invariably, I end up writing down a bunch of giberish about how much I want a cheeseburger every time I get baked. I'll bet all the greats start this way. Umm, yeah, that's it.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13603304553367090790noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2195389764777248385.post-63720157143845897342008-05-12T19:13:00.000-07:002008-05-12T20:22:40.467-07:00Hot, Hot Stimulus or Fiscal InanityThe rational part of my brain knows that the economic stimulus isn't a terribly good idea. It probably won't jump-start the economy; and at a time of record deficits it isn't really fiscally prudent. As a younger American who isn't even paying that much in taxes now, this payment is just setting me up for trouble down the road. On the other hand, the other 97% of my brain knows, "<a href="http://www.governmentgrant.com/">Free Money</a>!"<br /><br />I haven't received my check yet, but as soon as I do, you can bet certain segments of the American economy are going to get a big boost. Namely, the anchovy pizza industry and beer brewers in the Northwest. Just for fun, I've included charts of federal spending and my proposed stimulus spending.<br /><br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_9UTOiCYg5WU/SCkJTeXHPPI/AAAAAAAAACg/2_Op9husAdI/s1600-h/pieFY09.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer;" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_9UTOiCYg5WU/SCkJTeXHPPI/AAAAAAAAACg/2_Op9husAdI/s320/pieFY09.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5199697474948119794" border="0" /></a><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_9UTOiCYg5WU/SCkJTeXHPQI/AAAAAAAAACo/hA2FV8omR-E/s1600-h/Stimulus+Spending.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer;" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_9UTOiCYg5WU/SCkJTeXHPQI/AAAAAAAAACo/hA2FV8omR-E/s320/Stimulus+Spending.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5199697474948119810" border="0" /></a>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13603304553367090790noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2195389764777248385.post-50479235753566366732008-05-07T19:45:00.000-07:002008-05-07T21:25:39.901-07:00Cyclone: Mission of Burma('s Destruction)News that a cyclone had killed <50,000 people in Burma (or Myanmar, if you believe the junta) struck me as unbelievable. Being a Midwesterner by birth, I'd been raised to believe that a cyclone, while a powerful destructive force, is mostly limited to devastating small towns. Unless Yangon (or Rangoon) was composed of an extremely narrow band of trailer parks, I didn't see how one storm could kill so many people. Thanks to the magic of the internets*, I now know that cyclone is short for a tropical cyclone. Which is the same thing as a typhoon. Which is called a hurricane if you happen to live on the Atlantic seaboard. Cyclone is also a colloquial name for tornados, as well as the name of the Iowa State University athletic teams. Anyway, this makes it somewhat easier to grapple with the scale of the disaster in Burma. <br /><br />Just for a hell of it, I also checked out where this tragedy ranks on the natural disaster scale. Here're some of the other contenders from the last 100 years or so:<br />-1931 Yellow River Flood (China) - 2.5-3.7 million<br />-1887 Yellow River Flood (China) - 0.9-2 million<br />-1970 Bhola Cyclone (Bangladesh) - 500,000<br />-2004 Indian Ocean Tsunami - 280,000+<br />-1976 Tangshan Earthquake (China) - 242,000 <br /><br />Damn, Planet Earth hates China. Also, who was the asshole in charge of the engineering corps on the Yellow River in 20th century China? Oh and here's a couple random, somewhat smaller natural disasters:<br />-1989 Saturia-Manikganj Sadar Tornado (Bangladesh) - 1,300 (woah, I guess they could have made <span style="font-style: italic;">Twister</span> much more suspenseful.)<br />-2005 Hurricane Katrina - 1,800<br />-1966 Belmond, IA Twister - 6<br /><br />And I'd be remiss if I didn't list my favorite disaster, natural or otherwise:<br />-1919 Boston Molasses Explosion - 21<br /><br />*It's safe to assume that any "fact" I put up here comes from wikipedia. I'll probably try to cite references at some point in time, but currently no one reads this and I'm still rebelling from college.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13603304553367090790noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2195389764777248385.post-12802243065997459492008-04-28T21:58:00.000-07:002008-05-12T20:24:03.540-07:00The Ravages of TimeIf you know me (and if you're reading this, you either do or you are desperate to kill time at work), you've probably gotten the impression that I hate cats. Yes, I shout, "Scat you bitches!" whenever one of my houses cats crosses my path, and yes, I have on occasion looked for a large bucket when awoken by incessant mewling, but I like cats. Really. It's just that their short life span offers an accelerated glimpse of my own inevitable slide into responsibility.<br /><br />This is one of the cats on my family's farm:<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_9UTOiCYg5WU/SBasYPTwNXI/AAAAAAAAACE/66yv860lyCI/s1600-h/Olive1.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer;" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_9UTOiCYg5WU/SBasYPTwNXI/AAAAAAAAACE/66yv860lyCI/s320/Olive1.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5194528752644666738" border="0" /></a>Here you see a young Olive, youthful and vigorous; eagerly awaiting each new day and the dangling bits of string it may bring.<br /><br />This is the same cat, one year later:<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_9UTOiCYg5WU/SBaszfTwNYI/AAAAAAAAACM/9OzLcuXOZjg/s1600-h/Olive2.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer;" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_9UTOiCYg5WU/SBaszfTwNYI/AAAAAAAAACM/9OzLcuXOZjg/s320/Olive2.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5194529220796102018" border="0" /></a><br />Sweet Jesus. There's nothing left to look forward to for Olive now. The pressures of having to go out and find meaningful work, maintain a civil relationship with her girlfriend, and not get caught outside of the garage when the temperature drops below freezing have sucked the fun and exuberance right out of this cat. Not to mention that the cat just can't eat chicken nuggets dipped in mayonnaise anymore and expect to fit into a box. Yes, in just a short span of time, this dumb animal has gone from a wild and care-free spirit to a depressing lout, who would like nothing better after a long day of sitting still than to stare mindlessly at the television. Which may or may not look like fuzz, I can't really remember if cats can decipher those images. But whatever the case may be, rest assured that the salad years have passed poor Olive by. Olive is done shaking the world, or at least the bits of string that are attached to it.<br /><br />So no, I do not hate cats. I hate only to be reminded of how far they have fallen from their idyllic youth; forced by time and biology to become layabouts as the world passes them by.<br /><br />Next week: Is the rabbit an alcoholic?Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13603304553367090790noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2195389764777248385.post-6382635971476922202008-04-28T21:19:00.000-07:002008-04-28T21:28:44.643-07:00caveat lectorI am not a writer. A writer has something interesting to say. Over time I hope to nail down some general idea of why I'm wasting precious bytes, but in the meantime think of this as an exercise in dicking around.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13603304553367090790noreply@blogger.com0