A Night of Contrasting Philosphical Viewpoints, Part I

Ever since the discovery of digital cable, man has been able to watch much more over the air television than ever before. And because sometime man loses the remote to woman, he's forced to choose between religious programming and "Gossip Girls." This is hardly a choice at all.

...Anyway, this evening I watched, in stunned silence, "Bibleman." Bibleman is a children's tv show about a man who is Bibleman by day and a mild mannered religous hero called Bibleman by night. Well, or at least until 10:00, when he probably goes to bed. The show has a credit sequence that shows Bibleman racing on a motorcycle, punching someone who appears to be a man in a home-made Darth Maul outfit, performing jump high fives, and weilding a fucking lightsaber. My hopes for a zealous defender of the light through extreme violence were quickly discouraged; Bibleman does most of his action through talking to troubled eleven year olds, who apparently are in danger of falling back in with the wrong crowd. One wonders exactly how much soul tainting-sinning someone who hasn't finished the 6th grade could get up to. Or maybe these kids just have more interesting childhoods than I did. Um, anyway, Bibleman's arch-enemy is a man who tempts children to renounce the Lord. He is dressed like Locutus of Borg, but minus the dignity and comic timing. He also has a sidekick who can frequently be seen peering through the bushes at the school, which is probably a violation of the conditions of his parole. The episode I saw included a rich subplot where-in the only minority member of Bibleman's team nearly fell back into old habits with his dangerous gang. I'm not sure exactly what those habits were; you'd expect him to come back reeking of gin or covered in garish lipstick. Maybe he played cards? Anyway, the character proclaimed his righteous indignation at nearly relapsing by loudly proclaiming, "I am righteously indignant!" In the end, that same minority character was able to expose a website as having been designed by Borg Satan to corrupt children. In keeping with the utter banality of evil present on religous shows for children, the website consisted of a Flash game.

As incredible as the experience of watching "Bibleman" was, I did come away with a few nagging doubts (hopefully this will prompt a visit from Biblewoman). I can't remember a middle school society that ruthlessly casted out people who attended youth groups. I'm fairly sure that the Bible doesn't mention leaving your old friends as a prerequisite for salvation. And worst of all, at no point in the show was anything more violent than a gentle lecture used. I was righteously indignant about the lack of a lightsaber duel promised in the opening credits.