So, who should I find on Law & Order: CI but detective Ian Malcolm? That's right, America's favorite chaostician is now using his consideable mental prowess to solve crime in New York City. Yes, the twisted mind of a serial killer is no match for a man who has survived an island where dinosaurs have been returned to life in a, um, terrible subversion of the natural law. Detective Ian Malcolm becomes the latest renowned crimesolver in the Law & Order franchise, joining such luminaries as Sgt. Lenny "innappropriate wise-crack" Brisoe, Detective Mike"Oh my God it's Carrie's boyfriend! yes I know Annie" Logan, Elliot "Chin" Stabler, Apparently not a cop killer Ice-T, and whatever the name of that guy Vincent D'Onofrio plays. The one who solves crimes through the use of contrived plot points. The one who's the most irritating detective in the history of fiction; jeez, this is driving me nuts, what's his name? Anyway, the point I wanted to make was that Jeff Goldblum needs money. Apparently, very badly.
Possible Detective Ian Malcolm interrogation:
Det. Nichols - So, uh, what happened.
suspect - I didn't do nuthin.
Det. Nichols - The, um, arrogance, you're displaying here is just unbelievable, I mean, uh, who are, um, you to play God and decide who lives or dies?
suspect - Uhhhh?
Det. Nichols - I looked at each drop of blood at the crime scene, and uh, I got to tell you, there was no predicting where the next one would go. I mean, you stabbed her. And you stabbed her, and uh, that's chaos.
suspect - listen man I...
Det. Nichols -You're afraid to dive into the plasma pool aren't you? You're afraid to be destroyed and re-created, aren't you? I'll bet you think that you woke me up about the flesh, don't you? But you only know society's straight line about the flesh! You can't penetrate beyond society's sick, grey fear of the flesh! Drink deep or taste not the plasma spring, see what I'm saying? Now, I'm not just talking about sex and penetration, I'm talking about penetration beyond the veil of the flesh! A deep, penetrating dive into the plasma pool!
suspect - Sweet Jesus, I did it! I did it. Just get the fuck away from me.
Det. Nichols - This uh, just um, shows that crime, doesn't pay.
1 comment:
the best thing he ever did was EARTH GIRLS ARE EASY. for sure. he is (oddly) also strangely good-looking in that movie. do you think that he is just aligning his career path with his insanely awesome sense of humor? because that is how i choose to interpret his behavior. career = exercise in irony!
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