In which I don't give a shit about the ACORN scandal

So, an undercover camera crew caught a couple of non-profit employees giving advice to the world's most stereotypical pimp and prostitute. Color me unimpressed. Or, if you're British, colour me unimpressed. So you can find a couple employees to give ridiculous advice to two morons. Whoop de-doo. I don't like to bring my work onto the internets, but if you were to call my office with a ridiculous story, you'd have about a 15% chance of me giving a hypothetical statement of how to move forward to get unemployment. And, if you edited out the parts of my statement where I listed all the problems with said ridiculous claim, you'd have me giving advice on how to skirt the law to people similar to the Acorn pimps. The nerve of people to go after an incredibly minor transgression on the part of low-level people at an organization who try and help those on the bottom rung simply infuriates me.

Anyway, with any luck, this will be the only thing I write that doesn't mention Jurassic Park, tacos, or my intense desire to own a flame thrower.

You, uh, stabbed her and then, um, you uh, killed her.

So, who should I find on Law & Order: CI but detective Ian Malcolm? That's right, America's favorite chaostician is now using his consideable mental prowess to solve crime in New York City. Yes, the twisted mind of a serial killer is no match for a man who has survived an island where dinosaurs have been returned to life in a, um, terrible subversion of the natural law. Detective Ian Malcolm becomes the latest renowned crimesolver in the Law & Order franchise, joining such luminaries as Sgt. Lenny "innappropriate wise-crack" Brisoe, Detective Mike"Oh my God it's Carrie's boyfriend! yes I know Annie" Logan, Elliot "Chin" Stabler, Apparently not a cop killer Ice-T, and whatever the name of that guy Vincent D'Onofrio plays. The one who solves crimes through the use of contrived plot points. The one who's the most irritating detective in the history of fiction; jeez, this is driving me nuts, what's his name? Anyway, the point I wanted to make was that Jeff Goldblum needs money. Apparently, very badly.



Possible Detective Ian Malcolm interrogation:
Det. Nichols - So, uh, what happened.
suspect - I didn't do nuthin.
Det. Nichols - The, um, arrogance, you're displaying here is just unbelievable, I mean, uh, who are, um, you to play God and decide who lives or dies?
suspect - Uhhhh?
Det. Nichols - I looked at each drop of blood at the crime scene, and uh, I got to tell you, there was no predicting where the next one would go. I mean, you stabbed her. And you stabbed her, and uh, that's chaos.
suspect - listen man I...
Det. Nichols -You're afraid to dive into the plasma pool aren't you? You're afraid to be destroyed and re-created, aren't you? I'll bet you think that you woke me up about the flesh, don't you? But you only know society's straight line about the flesh! You can't penetrate beyond society's sick, grey fear of the flesh! Drink deep or taste not the plasma spring, see what I'm saying? Now, I'm not just talking about sex and penetration, I'm talking about penetration beyond the veil of the flesh! A deep, penetrating dive into the plasma pool!
suspect - Sweet Jesus, I did it! I did it. Just get the fuck away from me.
Det. Nichols - This uh, just um, shows that crime, doesn't pay.

Great Moments in Punditry

Sunday, June 7, 2009.

UPDATE: The transcript is pretty close to how I remembered it. Truly the sharpest minds and the hardest talk.

The U.S. report card: Household savings up; consumer confidence up; consumer spending up; new unemployment claims down; home sales up, April; income up; stocks up -- this week, a seven-month high.

But the coast is still not clear. GM, Chrysler both declare bankruptcy; the U.S. current accounts deficit and national debt both shockingly high; U.S. AAA credit rating now at risk, possibly, some say; dollar weak.

This week Geithner tried to assure a student audience at Peking University that Chinese dollar assets were safe. But there was a problem. The students openly laughed at him.

This was an encouraging report on the economy, but it ignored the turd in the punch bowl -- (laughter) -- which the Bureau of Labor Statistics pointed to on Friday when it announced that the unemployment rate vaulted from 8.9 percent to 9.4 percent.

That laughter was unseemly, Buchanan.

MR. BUCHANAN: (Laughs.)

DR. MCLAUGHLIN: Question: On the U.S. economy, is the arrow pointing up? Mort Zuckerman.

MR. ZUCKERMAN: John, it's hard to follow a line like "There's turd in the punch bowl," but I'll try. (Laughter.)

DR. MCLAUGHLIN: A turd.

MR. ZUCKERMAN: A turd, okay.


(I'll try to put the transcript of John McLaughlin's intro to the financial section once it comes out. Until then, enjoy!)

John McLaughlin: Pat, your laughter was unseemly; Mort, what's your analysis of the global fiscal markets?
Mort Zuckerman: John, it's hard to follow a line like, "There are turds in the punchbowl."
John McLaughlin: It was, there's A turd in the punchbowl.

A Night of Contrasting Philosphical Viewpoints, Part II

The Golden Compass:
Polar Bears fight for free thought

After the adventure that was "Bibleman," my evening went down to its intended purpose, watching "The Golden Compass." Several of my friends insist that the Golden Compass series of books are excellent science-fiction books, with an interesting respect for atheism that serves as a counterpoint to the more Christian orientated Narnia books. As I have not read the books, I will comment solely on the movie, which was, and I will put this as delicately as possible, fucking crazy.

I'll try to summarize the plot as best as I can remember. In a parallel universe, people's souls are externally represented by small animals. The Catholic Church, which goes by some other name, is attempting to stifle research into "dust," which is entering from another dimension into people's souls. A girl receives a golden ouiji board that can determine the future from her uncle, James Bond. She is taken under the wing of a high-society woman, who turns out to be her mother, who had previously banged her uncle (this would make James Bond her dad), who is working for the Church to kidnap children. Children are being kidnapped to experiment on them in Norway to split them fromt their animal souls. Let me break the narrative here for a moment to speculate that in our universe, this would probably be a step up in the public image of the church. Anyway, the girl goes north where she meets a talking polar bear. This polar bear drinks whiskey by the bucketfull as he wallows in pity for his lost armor. But hey, magic compass, and we've got ourselves a fully armored bear. Or at least one with a vest and a hat. I was really hoping that the polar bear would also have a rifle or something, to make him both a terror at long range and a whirling dervish of claws up close. Yes, a whirling dervish. Well, now that our heroine has a bear under her command, she meets up with a Texas cowboy/blimp pilot, played by that most authentic of Lone Star Zeppelineers, Sam Elliott. They manage to make it to the prison where the church is de-souling children, where the heroine has the children escape... into the arctic. Where they are quickly set upon by guards. Who are then attacked by Gypsies. And a polar bear. And a magic army of witches. And a blimp. I'm pretty sure a Deus Ex Machina also came at them. Anyway, a glorious battle was joined, the heroine went to go find her uncle/father to discover what this important "dust" was and then movie over.

As may have been obvious from the above, but I have no idea what is going on in this story. People's souls are animals that hang out with them. Ok, got it. And yeah, it's nifty how everyone who's spirit is a german sheppard joined the church's child murdering unit, does help identify them. And in this parallel universe, polar bears can talk. Oh, and they wear armor and are blacksmiths of renoun. As far as I can tell, these are the only talking animals besides peoples spirits. In the books, do they go into what the hells going on with the fauna of this universe? I'm going to bet that most people there are vegetarian. Though I guess I didn't see any cow or chicken spirits. Delicous chicken spirits. Were people who hadn't read the Lord of the Rings twelve times as confused by the Fellowship as I was by this?

Finally, (barely) trying to tie this in to the theme of contrasting philosophical viewpoints, I guess I can see where this movie attempted to link the controlling, paternalistic efforts of the multi-verses authority with our universes religous institutions. Numerous times, people affiliated with the church assure us that they, "know what's best." This would be a more nuanced philosphical discussion if the people making the argument didn't look like they were plotting to build a death star. In the end, I don't really what the fuss was about, the religious authorities portrayed in this movie seemed like something Christopher Hitchens might imagine to be the way the church works in some sort of booze-induced fever. Zing! Or, put another way, I didn't see any way that the movie represented an athiestic viewpoint. Don't put too much faith in my view, when they were nailing that freaking lion to a cross in "The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe," I thought it was about the French Revolution. If I could have people take anything from "The Golden Compass," it would be this: for the love of God, science, or Gozer, do not try to fight an armored polar bear.

A Night of Contrasting Philosphical Viewpoints, Part I

Ever since the discovery of digital cable, man has been able to watch much more over the air television than ever before. And because sometime man loses the remote to woman, he's forced to choose between religious programming and "Gossip Girls." This is hardly a choice at all.

...Anyway, this evening I watched, in stunned silence, "Bibleman." Bibleman is a children's tv show about a man who is Bibleman by day and a mild mannered religous hero called Bibleman by night. Well, or at least until 10:00, when he probably goes to bed. The show has a credit sequence that shows Bibleman racing on a motorcycle, punching someone who appears to be a man in a home-made Darth Maul outfit, performing jump high fives, and weilding a fucking lightsaber. My hopes for a zealous defender of the light through extreme violence were quickly discouraged; Bibleman does most of his action through talking to troubled eleven year olds, who apparently are in danger of falling back in with the wrong crowd. One wonders exactly how much soul tainting-sinning someone who hasn't finished the 6th grade could get up to. Or maybe these kids just have more interesting childhoods than I did. Um, anyway, Bibleman's arch-enemy is a man who tempts children to renounce the Lord. He is dressed like Locutus of Borg, but minus the dignity and comic timing. He also has a sidekick who can frequently be seen peering through the bushes at the school, which is probably a violation of the conditions of his parole. The episode I saw included a rich subplot where-in the only minority member of Bibleman's team nearly fell back into old habits with his dangerous gang. I'm not sure exactly what those habits were; you'd expect him to come back reeking of gin or covered in garish lipstick. Maybe he played cards? Anyway, the character proclaimed his righteous indignation at nearly relapsing by loudly proclaiming, "I am righteously indignant!" In the end, that same minority character was able to expose a website as having been designed by Borg Satan to corrupt children. In keeping with the utter banality of evil present on religous shows for children, the website consisted of a Flash game.

As incredible as the experience of watching "Bibleman" was, I did come away with a few nagging doubts (hopefully this will prompt a visit from Biblewoman). I can't remember a middle school society that ruthlessly casted out people who attended youth groups. I'm fairly sure that the Bible doesn't mention leaving your old friends as a prerequisite for salvation. And worst of all, at no point in the show was anything more violent than a gentle lecture used. I was righteously indignant about the lack of a lightsaber duel promised in the opening credits.

Notes from Left Behind

The movie opens with Kirk Cameron interviewing some Jewish dude about miracle crops when suddenly, thousands of jets swoop across the sky and then explode. Then Kirk Cameron, who goes by "Buck Williams," finds a rambling old guy, who I presume is the Wandering Jew from "A Canticle for Lebowitz." Anyway, he then flies home and the Rapture happens while he's on a plane. And then there's a bunch of soul searching among those left behind. Anyway, here are my random observations:
-When the Rapture occurs, there are a lot of traffic accidents from people ascending. Wouldn't a loving God wait until bedtime to cause the disappearance of the world's true believers?
-An airline pilot returns home to find his whole family has disappeared. In a rage, he throws a bible at a mirror. After the mirror shatters, he picks up the bible and realizes it holds the key to recent events.
-According to this movie, the UN is very powerful, and controlling it is key to bringing about the end of the world. I'm pretty sure that this doesn't fit in with most critiques of the U.N.
-The Antichrist is a Romanian who could be mistaken for a very bad bond villain. He plans to divide the world into ten kingdoms, and, um, rule the world in peace from them. Truly, the work of Satan.
-Walker's sidekick, James Trivette, is a preacher who didn't believe hard enough. Walker, presumably, ascended to heaven. I can only hope that in the sequel, there is more kicking.
-The Antichrist announces that the cause of the disappearances is radiataion from generations of nuclear weapons, so he announces the abolition of such weapons. Again, damn you, Satan!
-The movie ends with an awesome religious synth rock song.
-I wish I had more to say, but I was pretty left behind by a six pack of Alaskan IPAs.

Notes from the Digital Age

My household has now made the switch to digital television, a full month and a half before we would have been reduced to staring at a blank screen in utter confusion, dim memories of commercials warning us to switch leaving the back of our minds. As an early adopter of this new technology, it is my privelege, nay, duty, to report back to the rest of you analog simpletons with tales from the digital age.

Why?
In 2005, Congress passed the Digital Transition and Public Safety Act of 2005. This act mandated that all analog broadcasts stop on February 17, 2009. I'm not sure why this was done, possibilities include a desire to free up a radio spectrum from other uses, pressure from the digital converter box lobby, or a desire to see NBC's hit "Chuck" in higher definition. Warren Hatch fucking loves that show. In any event, all televisons in the United States will stop working in February, except those who have cable, or satellite, or those who "read" for entertainment.

How?
By purchasing a digital converter box, you can continue to enjoy the fruits of network television after the switch. In addition, you'll have access to extra channells, as multiple stations can be broadcast at once through digital magic. You can get a coupon for these converter boxes, or you can rely on your parents to bail you out of your sloth. I'll leave you to guess which option I took. Setting up the box involves plugging your antenna into the converter, and the converter into your television. It's a very simple process. Needless to say, millions of elderly Americans are going to be staring at their TVs in stunned horror when Murder, She Wrote fails to come on.

What's Different?
-First off, channels do seem to come in much clearer. After the change, I can finally read the clues on Jeopardy, and see what the ravages of time have done to Vanna White.
-Where once there was one, now there are many. A single channel can be split into several channels digitally. Before, there was just PBS. Now, there are four PBS stations available, though none of them are solely devoted to John McLaughlin.
-Each major station now has an alternative weather station. Great. Now I can tell that it's going to be overcast and rainy all day long.
-There are now three remotes to control the operation of the tv. This is a 50% increase in remotes. Awesome!
-There are now approximately 10 religous stations that come in. This enabled me to finally watch the Left Behind movie, and learn about how I'm going to hell.
-Instead of coming in fuzzy, channels that aren't tuned now come in blocky, or not at all. I'm not sure if this is an improvement, as it gives me the horrifying feeling that I'm about to be transported into the Tron mainframe.