Monday, December 29, 2008

Notes from Left Behind

The movie opens with Kirk Cameron interviewing some Jewish dude about miracle crops when suddenly, thousands of jets swoop across the sky and then explode. Then Kirk Cameron, who goes by "Buck Williams," finds a rambling old guy, who I presume is the Wandering Jew from "A Canticle for Lebowitz." Anyway, he then flies home and the Rapture happens while he's on a plane. And then there's a bunch of soul searching among those left behind. Anyway, here are my random observations:
-When the Rapture occurs, there are a lot of traffic accidents from people ascending. Wouldn't a loving God wait until bedtime to cause the disappearance of the world's true believers?
-An airline pilot returns home to find his whole family has disappeared. In a rage, he throws a bible at a mirror. After the mirror shatters, he picks up the bible and realizes it holds the key to recent events.
-According to this movie, the UN is very powerful, and controlling it is key to bringing about the end of the world. I'm pretty sure that this doesn't fit in with most critiques of the U.N.
-The Antichrist is a Romanian who could be mistaken for a very bad bond villain. He plans to divide the world into ten kingdoms, and, um, rule the world in peace from them. Truly, the work of Satan.
-Walker's sidekick, James Trivette, is a preacher who didn't believe hard enough. Walker, presumably, ascended to heaven. I can only hope that in the sequel, there is more kicking.
-The Antichrist announces that the cause of the disappearances is radiataion from generations of nuclear weapons, so he announces the abolition of such weapons. Again, damn you, Satan!
-The movie ends with an awesome religious synth rock song.
-I wish I had more to say, but I was pretty left behind by a six pack of Alaskan IPAs.

Notes from the Digital Age

My household has now made the switch to digital television, a full month and a half before we would have been reduced to staring at a blank screen in utter confusion, dim memories of commercials warning us to switch leaving the back of our minds. As an early adopter of this new technology, it is my privelege, nay, duty, to report back to the rest of you analog simpletons with tales from the digital age.

In 2005, Congress passed the Digital Transition and Public Safety Act of 2005. This act mandated that all analog broadcasts stop on February 17, 2009. I'm not sure why this was done, possibilities include a desire to free up a radio spectrum from other uses, pressure from the digital converter box lobby, or a desire to see NBC's hit "Chuck" in higher definition. Warren Hatch fucking loves that show. In any event, all televisons in the United States will stop working in February, except those who have cable, or satellite, or those who "read" for entertainment.

By purchasing a digital converter box, you can continue to enjoy the fruits of network television after the switch. In addition, you'll have access to extra channells, as multiple stations can be broadcast at once through digital magic. You can get a coupon for these converter boxes, or you can rely on your parents to bail you out of your sloth. I'll leave you to guess which option I took. Setting up the box involves plugging your antenna into the converter, and the converter into your television. It's a very simple process. Needless to say, millions of elderly Americans are going to be staring at their TVs in stunned horror when Murder, She Wrote fails to come on.

What's Different?
-First off, channels do seem to come in much clearer. After the change, I can finally read the clues on Jeopardy, and see what the ravages of time have done to Vanna White.
-Where once there was one, now there are many. A single channel can be split into several channels digitally. Before, there was just PBS. Now, there are four PBS stations available, though none of them are solely devoted to John McLaughlin.
-Each major station now has an alternative weather station. Great. Now I can tell that it's going to be overcast and rainy all day long.
-There are now three remotes to control the operation of the tv. This is a 50% increase in remotes. Awesome!
-There are now approximately 10 religous stations that come in. This enabled me to finally watch the Left Behind movie, and learn about how I'm going to hell.
-Instead of coming in fuzzy, channels that aren't tuned now come in blocky, or not at all. I'm not sure if this is an improvement, as it gives me the horrifying feeling that I'm about to be transported into the Tron mainframe.